The “I didn’t rape you” Text

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Kid Strangelove

I should be a little happier.

Just last night the sexual flip of the coin landed in my favor. The results of all of THIS – the workouts, the nutrition, the practice and execution of “game”, the acquisition of more money, the immersion in hobbies – all of the things that at one point or another, we’ve all done to be more attractive, have blessed me with more sex and female attention. It’s becoming more frequent now, more of a rule rather than an exception.

Here she was – cuddling up to me after another run in the sheets. I get her a glass of water, help her find the clothes that we flung off the night before, offer her a snack from the spartan selection in my fridge, and see her off. Usually girls have to be somewhere earlier than me, thanks to my relaxed work schedule, so after I close the door behind her and hop into the shower, I send out the text which might determine the course of the rest of my life.

“I had a blast, hope you did too! Get home safe!”

And now we wait, the tedious, excruciating wait for her to reply. I look at my phone after the shower – no reply. Fuck.

My head starts to race.

Exactly what happened last night? I fucked her good, or did I? Did I insult her in some way? Did I lose my erection at some point? She had alcohol in her system, that technically makes me a rapist?? Fuck fuck fuck. What if she regrets the whole thing, and tells someone I raped her? Who would believe me? I don’t have the money to defend myself… I’m so fucked…

“Got home safe. Last night was fun;)”

Whew. The evidence is now in my phone. Everything that took place last night was entirely consensual and justifiable. If she takes me to court, that text could save my life. Maybe I was freaking out over nothing.

But was I?

I keep hearing stories every day about how a woman destroyed a mans life on a whim, just because she refused to accept the consequences of her actions.

I didn’t cheat on my boyfriend – I was raped.

I didn’t hook up with this ugly guy – I was raped.

I don’t want to pay my cab fare – so I was raped and assaulted

Every day I hear these stories, and every single day I hear others implying that I am a rapist and don’t even know it. Everywhere I hear “You Should Teach men not to rape”, and I agree, but haven’t we been taught that our entire lives? I know rape is bad and people shouldn’t rape. All of my friends know rape is bad and people shouldn’t rape. But yet we’re still the bad guys, the aggressors.

It seems that until a woman says so – everything I do sexually can be considered rape. I’m terrified. Think I’m paranoid? Look at the upheaval over a recent episode of Girls.

For those without HBO – there was a scene where Adam and his new girlfriend Natalia had some sex. It was uncomfortable to watch for the same reason it was beautiful. Adam was struggling with his demons – the demons of alcoholism, the demons of ending and awkwardly maintaining a romantic relationship with someone he was enamored with, the balance of old love and new, the feelings of a lack of self worth. The scene was squeamish  the scene was awkward, the scene is a projection into Adam’s soul, the scene is self discovery and self hate.

What the scene wasn’t – it wasn’t rape.

At least that’s what I thought until I saw the outcry over this scene online.

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/03/11/girls_adam_and_natalia_sexual_assault_and_verbal_consent_on_hbo_s_girls.html – BAM

http://www.xojane.com/entertainment/girls-adam-natalia-rape-scene – double BAM.

I’ve had awkward sex before, does that make me a rapist?

And it wears on you. There’s always that moment when you realize a girl is trying to cut you out of her life and you look back to see if there was anything you did that could get you in trouble with the law. Always got that “I didn’t rape you” text? Check, whew. Used condoms every time? Well, there was once… fuck fuck fuck fuck, time to mark that date on my calendar and know that in 9 months I will truly be in the clear, not let’s schedule that STD test.

It feels really weird. All this work into becoming better with women, and I can’t trust any of them. I know that at any point, I am subject to their whims. My freedom and livelihood depends on how they feel that day.

So forgive me if I don’t sound too excited about “getting wasted and meeting some new chicks bro”.

EDIT: I found this picture a few hours after I wrote this post. This is the kind of shit that terrifies me

nomeansnobutyesmeansno

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  • Matt

    When I read posts like this I see how bad it’s truly becoming in the U.S. I left a couple years ago for Asia. Women are much fitter and more attractive here and they aren’t predatory feminazi’s like in the U.S. There is none of this power wielding accusing men of rape on a whim here. At what point do others see the beauty in abandoning ship?

    • http://kidstrangelove.wordpress.com kidstrangelove

      I can’t abandon ship – I just became a citizen of the ship :)

    • xxxxx

      Actually Asian women can are are predatory, but in a different way. Not so much in your face butchness, but once that money tap stops flowing, watch out !

  • http://www.craigwphoto.com Craig Wactor

    My favorite comment from the xoJane blog: ” I teach the boys I work with that if it’s not yes, yes, yes , it’s no.”

    So now, even ‘yes’ doesn’t mean yes. You are all rapists for having a penis!!!

  • http://www.staresattheworld.com/ Aurini

    “But where have all the good men gone????”

    • Luonnotar

      I chuckle inwardly whenever I hear this from my friends. Sadly, trying to explain to them that the “cosmopolitan” generation of women has driven real men underground through spite, malice, irresponsibility, sadism and hypocrisy is a futile effort. Responsibility for ones actions is no longer in style.

      • quintaldo

        >Responsibility for ones actions is no longer in style.
        Male values are no longer in style. Females are never wrong. They never fuck up. They are never to blame. They are never perpetrators, only victims or empowered womyn.

  • MrT

    Another happily in Asia here. I have no idea whether it really is that bad in the US or if you’re just spineless.
    Either way, expat for life, no regrets.

    • Janik Litalien

      Expat in Asia too, agreed, and amen to that

  • http://AprilLilac.wordpress.com racheld

    Reblogged this on racheldeahl and commented:
    Some food for thought from the other side of things

  • poop

    “All this work into becoming better with women, and I can’t trust any of them.”

    I would counter that if you “can’t trust them” then you’re not actually that much better with them, are you?

    Rather than throwing up you arms in fuax exasperation, and pretending to cower at the relatively low chance that you could be falsely accused of rape you should put some time and effort into discussing enthusiastic consent with your potential partners? Perhaps part of working on “your game” should be figuring out how to honestly and openly discuss regrets with the people you’ve decided to sleep with?

    Essentially what you’re lamenting is that you’ve “put in so much effort” to attract the kind of women who would sleep with you based on the flimsiest set of criteria, and that those same women might then make another judgement based on the flimsiest set of criteria. You sleep with people who make bad decisions, then complain that there is a chance that their bad decisions could have a negative effect on your life.

    Own up to your own bad decisions. You wouldn’t have any sympathy for someone who was complaining about how their crack dealer was ripping them off. Of course your crack dealer is ripping you off, he’s a fucking crack dealer. Of course there’s a chance that the complete stranger you slept with last night could accuse you of rape, you know nothing of this person, it was a poor choice to sleep with them.

    • Craig

      So again, you are saying that if a woman falsely accuses a man of rape, IT IS THE MAN’S FAULT?!!

      Seriously, where do you people come from?

      • Sigh

        Did you even read any of that?

      • http://gravatar.com/1112 LucasGrijander

        From the XXI-century USSR of A, where being a man makes you guilty by default, and being a woman gives you the right of screwing other people’s life, at no cost. That is where she comes from.

  • Retrenched

    This old post from Zenpriest comes to mind…

    Just like I have been saying to women all these years, choices have prices and consequences. You can play it safe, OR you can get laid – take your choice based on which results you prefer.

    And, what I hear back sounds a whole lot like “But, we want to play it safe, and get laid.” to which I say the same thing that I say to women whining about wanting a “woman-friendly workplace” – things just don’t work that way. They never have, don’t now, and I’m pretty sure they never will.

    Guys who are aggressive and take risks, and who are thick skinned enough to ignore rejection, get laid more than guys who don’t. And, because they take risks, some of them end up being Kobed. There’s something inherent in the meaning of the word “risk” in that. ….

    Young guys gotta take the risk, I know that. The screaming hornies demand it. So, if they are, at least go for the big payoffs.

    http://no-maam.blogspot.com/2010/09/zenpriest-32-glass-pussy-ceiling.html

  • notarealusername

    The idea that most women would claim rape just to get out of a night of bad decision making is blown way out of proportion. Most women will not claim rape because of the stigma still associated with rape. Most women will not claim rape because they understand the seriousness of the act. Most people know someone who has been raped and feels guilty and ashamed. Rape is not something people just throw around. Are there some crazies out there that will use the word rape as a manipulative tool? Yes. They are in no way the majority.

    This country villianizes the victim, look at the Stubenville reaction. Why would anyone want to put themselves through that if it wasn’t true? People are telling this young girl who was drunk and dragged around and molested that it’s her fault. What woman would bring that upon herself?

    Your fear means you aren’t not obtaining a definite yes. It’s not just that you’re not getting a no or not getting a stop, you’re not making sure she’s definitely in. You should be. Consent means getting an absolute affirmative. Keep checking in, before and after, and keep communicating with your partners as much as you can (even the one night stands). Your fear means that you need to be a better communicator. If you can’t trust a woman, and you don’t feel like she’s being honest with you, maybe you should not have sex with her.

    Don’t rape means obtain consent, don’t take advantage of someone, and don’t assume that the lack of a “no” means yes.

    • A

      The above is ridiculous. “Your fear means you aren’t not [sic] obtaining a definite yes”? No, his fear is that despite what any reasonable person would believe is a measure of consent, if you have a vagina you can simply reverse your decision at any time and throw a man in jail for years on end with the full backing of the law. I don’t care “what woman would bring “that sort of attention on herself” — it’s bigoted and disgusting that we allow that in our system of law.

      BTW, since it’s easy for you to simply conceive of the idea that women simply wouldn’t cry false rape because of “how hard it is”, it should be equally easy for you to understand that the super super super majority of men don’t rape and never have, because they know just how badly they’re treated as well as a rapist in society. Something tells me, however, your logic will completely invert when considering the latter clause of that statement. You sound like a bigot.

      Don’t accuse all men of being rapists, don’t assume that every woman is virtuous, and don’t minimize the absurd sexism that exists when it comes to letting women accuse rape falsely with little to no consequence. Thanks.

      • http://toysareus.com When women kill thier own babies

        There are two taboo facts, about male on female rape that makes it a unique crime;

        1. In every leading survey women put being raped in their top three sexual fantasies. There is no other crime of which this can be said. It is also well documented that many women often feel confused and guilty for having such fantasies.

        [Obviously, no one is saying that fantasising about being raped is any way the same as wanting to be raped. But it does indicate that the way women think about rape is far more complicated than it may at first seem and may account for some of the confusing behaviour that often characterise such cases.]

        2. Rape cases have a far higher rate of false statements by the accuser, than any other crime. Most reliable studies put it as high as 40%-55% compared with the next highest false statement crime (insurance fraud) which runs at about 2%.

        [Women have used sex as a weapon to control men throughout history, so it’s not really surprising that it still goes on today. But what is surprising, is that our legal systems, refuse to protect innocent men, by adequately punishing women who make malicious rape charges.]

        Of course all this is taboo and needs to be swept under the carpet.

      • Meditation Lady

        ” In every leading survey women put being raped in their top three sexual fantasies. There is no other crime of which this can be said. It is also well documented that many women often feel confused and guilty for having such fantasies. ”

        In which countries and cultures? I have a pretty good idea at what particular ethnicity and cultural demographic, but I’d like to hear it from you.

        One particular demographic that seems to be having issues with not being able to have sex unless they play-role non-consent is this one;

        http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2011/11/the-purity-culture-and-sexual-dysfunction.html

        Excerpt:
        “When my husband and I began having sex, we found that the only way I could orgasm was to pretend our sex was non-consensual. It was as though imagining and miming being coerced was the only way I could truly let go, detach from myself, and give myself permission to feel sexual pleasure. Being an active sexual agent, even in my thoughts, had been a no-no for so long that this suppression had become hard-wired into my brain. It literally took us years to figure out a way for me to have orgasms without pretending that our sex was non-consensual. I have nothing against people who simply enjoy this sort of sex play or this sort of fantasies, and I’m not saying it’s bad. It’s just that I really wanted to be able to experience orgasm without having to pretend sex was non-consensual. ”

        If you scroll down and read the comments it becomes evidence that men raised in that sub-culture face similar issues.

    • AllPointsBulletin

      This country villianizes the victim, look at the Stubenville reaction. Why would anyone want to put themselves through that if it wasn’t true? People are telling this young girl who was drunk and dragged around and molested that it’s her fault. What woman would bring that upon herself?
      —-

      A dumbass who decides that getting drunk at 16-years old is a wise course of action?

      This country doesn’t villainize the victim, per se; we “villainize” the proactive stupidity the “victim” took to put herself in that situation.

      I hear crap like, “Well, she doesn’t deserved to get raped even if she was butt-naked on the floor”. I wholeheartedly agree! A 16-year old butt-naked on the floor passed out at a party needs to be in a straitjacket and hauled off.

      (In B4 someone quotes Matthew 7:1 out of context. I CAN judge. I’ve NEVER put myself in such a bad situation in such a reckless manner. EVER.)

    • skylabfitness

      Do you know what we call men who get informed consent before performing any sex act with a woman? Virgins.

      • yoimhere

        lol true dat

  • FTCopTripper

    Absolutely disgusting we’ve gotten to this point in our history. If they started throwing some of these women in jail for false accusations for the same frame of time the men they accuse would get, I bet they’d cut that bullshit out. But they get a free pass.

  • http://youngmanredpill.wordpress.com Keanu

    Nice post, and nice blog. Yea, I went to one of the most feminist colleges in the U.S., and I was always checking with girls for consent, out of paranoia. Really takes the charm out of the moment though.

    Have you heard Patrice O’neal? He has a priceless joke about the ‘I didn’t rape you’ text on his album Mr. P

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  • Meditation Lady

    “Exactly what happened last night? I fucked her good, or did I? Did I insult her in some way? Did I lose my erection at some point? She had alcohol in her system, that technically makes me a rapist?? Fuck fuck fuck. What if she regrets the whole thing, and tells someone I raped her? Who would believe me? I don’t have the money to defend myself… I’m so fucked…”

    This can all be avoided by avoiding the vice of casual sex. You’re big on renouncing bad habits and taking up good ones, so I’m sure you’ll agree. And as you learn to meditate and go inward more and more, the less you will desire casual sex anyway.

    • quintaldo

      This can also be avoided by killing the women you have sex with. This way, no rape accusations at all.
      Thank you for your brilliant advice. It was very helpful.
      Yes, the two above sentences are sarcasm, in case someone digs that up in the future and comes bother me.
      What you did was the constant ‘blame the victim’ game. “Oho your life can be ruined on a whim because you had consensual sex, but it’s YOUR FAULT, you shouldn’t have CASUAL sex.” That’s gynarchy in the extreme.
      What about if YOU didnt have sex at all, and stopped giving any sexual or relationship advice? That would be helpful, thank you. That’s another vice, I’m sure.
      Oh yeah he should marry to have sex, giving away even more power and opportunity to abuse power to the unaccountable female. GREAT. BEEN THERE DONE THAT, BISCUIT, THAT’S WHY HE’S FOCUSING ON CASUAL SEX.

      • quintaldo

        And by “marry”, I mean committing. The commitment being entirely one sided, of course. Why would women commit? To what ? THEY ARE UNACCOUNTABLE. THAT’S THE WHOLE ISSUE OF THE ARTICLE. STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM.

      • Meditation Lady

        “What you did was the constant ‘blame the victim’ game. “Oho your life can be ruined on a whim because you had consensual sex, but it’s YOUR FAULT, you shouldn’t have CASUAL sex.”

        Personal responsibility is a thing. Particularly if one is into self improvement and leading life consciously.

        “What about if YOU didnt have sex at all”

        I don’t.

        “and stopped giving any sexual or relationship advice?”

        I have a sacred duty to help people wherever I can.

    • http://gravatar.com/tickletik tickletik

      And yet if you ever wish to engage in the “vice” of casual sex, you can always do so consequence free. Whereas he has no such choice.

      Your smug assertion smacks of convenience, not integrity.

      You claim that you try to help people in this manner constantly. Do you advise young women to avoid rape by not engaging in the vices of casual sex, and the vice of dressing like a slut?

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  • Dazzle

    It’s important to read body language in deciding what to do. A “No!,” a giggle, and her not leaving is a different beast from a “No STOP!!!” and continuing with her fighting you. If you back down a couple steps and she’s cool, it just mean you went too fast at that time. If she sticks to her guns, respect her refusal and act like it’s no big deal. Figure it out from there…

  • yoimhere

    May I note that beforehand this comes from a man who suffered much more than virtually anyone else on here (otherwise, you’d be doing time with Mr. Prison Broom) from a completely false allegation. I’m also a strident anti-feminist who revolts at the culture created by women who, while defeating patriarchy, established a self-perpetuating circle of relationship failure, spiraling out of control and inevitably leading to sexual failure on both ends.

    When evaluating arguments I believe it’s essential to see both sides: If evaluated metaphorically on a prism, life is multicolored. There is no single hue that constitutes the truth.without its adjoining hues. You know how some people say there are three sides to every issue, yours, mine and the truth? What about when it becomes publicized? Then there’d be many, many more polarized sides, each wishing for dominance.

    If you think of the way life has evolved, women have children and are then faced with a burden we men have no inkling of: raising a child. We could just hightail it out of there, easily. Since the 1950s-60s there has been birth control dominating culture, because for the first time women could control their fertility. I’d also say that’s majorly where women started becoming “easier” (for lack of a better word.) And who can blame them? Maybe they’d enjoy the man they’re with for a night with no consequences, absolutely so if he uses a condom properly/doesn’t have STDs.

    As i’ve gained experience, i’ve learned it’s not that simple. The age-old biological mechanisms still hold true, women prefer longer-relationships generally– most feel ideal with the strong, masculine archetype that is devoted to solely them. Yet it tends to be that the strong, masculine types tend to want to shy from commitment, particularly in an age where– thanks again to birth control– there won’t be daddy dearest showing up with a .44 caliber. If most women do not have that essential part of themselves fulfilled, they begin to attack the one responsible for those feelings: You. You, the man who is don juan, rico suave etc etc with the ladies. She begins to hold a vendetta against you because you are the scourge of her heart. Like it or not, you have earned her enmity with your behavior.

    Thus, in my mind, it’s a risk you as the writer of this willingly take. You roll the dice on women because it is your choice to. I’m thankful to be married for 7 years with three kids– and there isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not grateful for my career, my family and my life. I chose to no longer take that risk because I was forced to confront a lesson: only you have culpability for yourself. Kid strangelove seems to be placing the blame solely on the other person. Sexual transactions are not monetary transactions, there is no violated contract if she decides to lie like the devil.

    Curiously, why is that picture frightening to you? Could it because you would love to **** that girl? If she looked like a box full of justin bieber CD’s sounds, I doubt you would post such a “shocking picture.” It’s your recognition of her attractiveness that causes that fear, isn’t it?

  • Swofty

    I would expect that that picture is frightening to the poster you are referencing to only because the hand written text celebrates and promotes mixed messages …that’s how I view that picture (as an evil penis wieilding male oppressor.. *cough*) ” …. sometimes yes doesn’t mean yes .. “? … seriously? …. is anyone of either gender (you do still remember there’s two types of humans right?) supposed to take that message seriously?! … rhetorical question. Please find something more fruitfull to get upset about ……. the war of the sexes will never be won .. there’s too much fratenising with the enemy .

  • Elizabeth Hayes

    There are a few good warning signs to look out for here:

  • WonBall

    Then don’t say yes. Dummie.

  • IHateFatChicks

    I like this already.

  • Jon Higgins

    Hahaha benis

  • Jordan Huckel

    I ignored the XOJane article… Because it’s, well… XOJane, but I read the other one.

    It was admittedly a bit ‘rapey’ in description so I can definitely see how they classed it as ‘grey rape.’ However, I haven’t see the episode (or any of the show at all) and my only source is of a biased article which will obviously write to support the headline that ‘this was rape.’

    One thing that rand true with me, and I presume many, many men/ young men is the scenario of showing you love her by going down on her. I have experienced many a situation where the response to “I want to pleasure you and I don’t expect anything in return” is “uhh well, kinda… Nah, sorta, well, I haven’t showered today and ummm. I don’t really feel too good.” Knowing females well with all their mixed messages bullshit and stuff like ‘I-told-you-not-to-buy-me-flowers-because-you-were-supposed-to-without-being-asked!’ type crap I understandably interpret this as “I’m feeling insecure and like you wont love me because I feel slightly unclean because I have not had a shower” to which the obvious response is “NONSENSE MY LOVE! You are beautiful all the time and I always love you!”

    Gosh, if that’s rape I’d hate to think of how many years I’d be in prison for. What worries me the most is the lack of solidarity in their objection. Try something like “No, I really don’t want sex tonight, I don’t consent and if you continue it’s rape.” Maybe that’s a bit of a mouthful. Start with something like “NO! Any sex we have will be rape! I do not consent!” Or at least “NO!”

    I 100% Understand where you’re coming from with your justified paranoia. Also, it appears that when the law get’s involved, there is no ‘grey rape’, there is only ‘black rape’ and no rape.

    Assume a girl gives you the usual “I haven’t showered” type thing which implies she feels un-special and therefore you clearly infer you must inform her otherwise. Not with just words, but with actions to show you truly mean it. Suppose this wasn’t the usual attention grabbing run around it usually is and was legitimate rape with a shitty excuse for expressed objection to sex. When it comes to the law it feels like it will go down something like this.

    Police: “Did you express your lack of consent and objections to sex?”

    Her: *Thinks about what she said* “Ummmmm, I did exactly that.”

    Police: “What were your exact words?”

    Her: “I do not want sex tonight and I do not consent. If you continue it will be rape!”

    Police: “Did you put extra emphasis on the word “rape” and your lack of consent?”

    Her: “Yes, I did exactly that. He just held me down and covered my mouth…. Or whatever. Get on with the arresting!”

    Police: “Alright then, that ‘s all the information we need to make a false arrest and imprison an innocent man for life.”

    Clearly reality is far from this but the paranoia is justified and that is an accurate narrative of what I believe most men think. Including myself.

  • https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC32B2ebZJiGJF8p-VtlfSog WeActOnImpulse

    Haha
    “No means no but if I say yes well it’s up to me to decide if you raped me or not”
    Look, i’m a man. I was molested as a kid. Those actions have literally haunted me for years and years, I never got over it. It’s still there, in the back of my head, popping into my thoughts late at night and reminding me of how disgusting and hrorible people become for sex.
    I’m asexual.
    But if I want to get the woman locked up for child molestation? Nope. Not gonna’ happen. Personally I would love to beat the fuck out of her so I can know that I am stronger than my attacker and feel safe for once, but that fear that she will come back is always there and I can’t escape it. i’ve moved several times, and the fear is still there. I have no idea where she is, I just hope she never comes after me again.

  • http://www.jimmyjambone.com/ Jimmy Jambone

    I solved the problem by just cutting English women out of my life. I stay 100 miles away from them at all times. Date foreign skirt these days.

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  • http://unlockyourbravado.com/ Van Bravo

    I thought I was one of the few that understood/did this. After the whole “it-was-rape-because-i-regretted-it-later” spectacle happened to a friend of mine, and watching the ensuing ruins his life was left in (it was consensual, but since he couldn’t prove it he lost his college housing, scholarship/tuition, got kicked off the sports team he was on etc) I have found myself to always do this in some way. Some type of proof before and after that it was consensual and meant to happen.

  • https://disregardingpoliticalcorrectness.wordpress.com/ Hector Herisson

    That last picture is indeed really scary. And her face… it’s like she actively looking to ruin some poor guy’s life, like it’s her fetish. “Honey I can only climax if I accuse you of rape the next day”

  • “guest”

    test